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March 26, 2009Movie Monsters vs. Aliens: Who Would Win?Posted by CoolerKing in FeaturesDreamWorks' Monsters vs. Aliens is an automatic conversation starter for hardcore movie fans. And by “hardcore,” we mean movie shirt-wearing, convention-attending, quote-spewing movie fans. Anyone who doesn’t openly acknowledge their deep movie dorkness should move on now. It’s gonna get ugly.
With references to Attack of the 50-Foot Woman, The Blob, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and more, Monsters vs. Aliens was clearly made with a history of movie creatures in mind. But it just scrapes the iceberg of movie history when it comes to monsters and aliens. It really got us dorks at MovieRetriever thinking. What if the legendary creatures from the history of celluloid actually could go head-to-head in a massive, multi-round battle royale? We decided to break down a dream schedule of fights between legendary movie monsters and aliens. And, if we could take some of the most deadly and impressive movie monsters and movie aliens of all time and throw them at each other, how would each fight go down? Who/what would win? Let the geek-vana begin...
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(Note: While we'd love to see Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer behead Katherine Heigl from Roswell, we decided to stick with movies. Maybe we'll move to TV battles next time. The casts of Third Rock From the Sun and Homeboys From Outer Space should start working out.)
Super-Lightweight Round 1: Creature from the Black Lagoon vs. Jar-Jar Binks
We were never really sure what made The Creature from the Black Lagoon scary (he's a rubber fish dude), so he gets the easiest fight of the day, the meeting of the minds with his alien brother, Jar-Jar Binks, the lame duck of Star Wars: Episode One - The Phantom Menace. Sadly, even though the concept has been explained to him a hundred times, Jar-Jar just doesn't get the idea that only one monster or alien is walking out of this ring alive. He decides to just ramble in his patented, almost-offensive gibberish, sending the Creature into a rage that can hardly be blamed on his monster-hood. If you had to spend a few minutes in a ring with Jar-Jar, you'd kill him too. And it would be justifiable homicide.
Winner: Monster (and humanity)
*******Super-Lightweight Round 2: Gremlins vs. The Martians from Mars Attacks!
Ack ack! In the early part of the fight, the Mogwais look so cute and cuddly in their Gizmo form that even the deadly big-brained jerks from Tim Burton's most underrated film fall for their charms. It looks like both monster and alien will walk out of this fight unscathed. That us, until a fan frustrated at the lack of action throws his Diet Coke and tray of nachos at the Mogwais. Of course, the water in the Coke multiplies the lil bastards and, when they start eating the nachos and transforming, well, it just gets unfair as the ring is coated in alien blood. But the end of arguably the best fight of the day is the real shocker. Because this battle takes place early in the schedule, it's still light out and, with one of his dying "ack ac...", an alien from Mars Attacks! shoots his raygun through the roof, spilling sunlight on to the blood-thirsty Gremlins and melting them. Both combatants have their weaknesses, but let's face facts - sunlight is WAY easier to find than yodeling records. With one battered alien left standing, an unlikely winner is crowned.
Winner: Alien *******Lightweight Round 1: Dracula vs. The Pod People from the Body Snatchers movies
Of course, with a creature of the night in the third fight, the roof is patched before the first lightweight round between a classic blood-sucker and a few card-carrying pod people from The Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The pod people start the battle with their patented "point-and-scream" move - a move Donald Sutherland knows all too well - in an attempt to instill fear into the heart of Count Dracula, but it backfires. People have been pointing and screaming at Vlad/Nosferatu/Drac for centuries. And, to be honest, the pod people don't have much more in their arsenal. They try to fend off the Count and are lucky to discover that he can't turn them into space vampires, but that doesn't mean that those pointy teeth don't hurt. The "point-and-scream" turns into screams of pain and Dracula enjoys a rare vegetarian meal. Honestly, this is probably the biggest mismatch of the day.
Winner: Monster *******Lightweight Round 2: The Wolf Man vs. Predator
Two humanoid hunters make up one of the most anticipated bills of the day as the monster with the hair problem takes on the alien with the dreadlocks. C'mon - an interstellar big-game hunter pitted against the creature of the night known as the werewolf? This is gonna be good. The Wolf Man comes out strong, leaping on the Predator and taking a bite out of one of his legs, leaving him hobbled. But the Predator is both smarter and stronger than The Wolf Man. Granted, the Predator probably doesn't have any silver bullets in that shoulder-mounted laser cannon, but Wolfie is WAY too used to taking one good bite out of his prey and sulking off into the mist. Lack of silver bullets can definitely be compensated by laser staffs and a society that prides itself on skinning its victims. That's a nice way of saying, in the blink of an eye, the Predator wins. It's essentially 59 seconds of Wolf Man destruction followed by one second of complete dismemberment by the Predator. It may not be a great fight, but the twist ending makes it one of the most talked about of the day.
Winner: Alien *******Middleweight Round 1: Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street vs. The Thing
Freddy's pissed that he even has to be here, but one of the most memorable monsters of all time HAS to make an appearance and, after a big down-payment of nubile narcoleptics, he reluctantly shows up, assuming an easy fight. Krueger was so "above" the whole thing that he not only failed to prepare but also didn't even bother to see who he would be fighting. Freddy can beat anyone, right? Why prepare? The look on the clawed villain's face when he sees the massive, snarling, twisted creature from the end of The Thing is one of the most priceless of the day. How do you haunt the nightmares of a walking nightmare who never sleeps? Freddy may have been able to destroy all the dozing people near the “Monsters vs. Aliens Battle Royale,” but he's no match for The Thing.
Winner: Alien *******Middleweight Round 1: Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th vs. The Aliens from Signs
As unbalanced a fight as poor disemboweled Freddy may have had, Jason Voorhees has nearly the same in the other direction. In fact, the fight promoter who thought the aliens from Signs could handle a boy who survived drowning in the very substance that kills them should probably be fired. Honestly, what was really scary about the aliens from Signs? They could grab kids through grates in the basement? Their inability to negotiate pantry doors? In this fight, the aliens run around the ring looking for a dark corner or a corn field to hide in, while Jason picks up a machete and "swings away." They don't go down easily - trying their best to spray their wrist poison into Jason's hockey mask (for all the good it will do them) - but the hardcore horror nuts in the crowd are so upset that the lamest aliens since Howard the Duck are even in the ring with their favorite slasher that they've come prepared with water balloons. It's not pretty.
Winner: Monster *******Heavyweight Round 1: Godzilla vs. Giger's Alien
Now sh** is getting real. Every monster and alien that has come before would bow down to both of these creatures in one of the best fights of the day - the immovable force versus the deadliest alien in history. The fight organizers knew that if Giger's Alien took on any monster her size, it would be over too quickly. Wolf Man? Dracula? Even Freddy or Jason? One swing of the tail and loogie of acidic spit and they're monster history. But the size of Godzilla makes this more of an even battle. But, as with everything worthwhile, it just takes time for everybody's favorite alien. She works at Godzilla, taking swipes and bites out of his hide until he falls. It's brutal, painful, and kind of hard to watch. Imagine a piranha eating a cow. In slow motion. Ouch.
Winner: Alien *******Heavyweight Round 2: Velociraptors from Jurassic Park vs. The Aliens from Independence Day
Technically, the Velociraptors could be called "history's monsters" not "movie monsters," but this is the Spielberg/Crichton version of the deadly beasts, not the Smithsonian's, so they still count. And they kill. And they're pissed off that Independence Day broke their box office record. Jeff Goldblum was set to referee, but the fight never goes down. When the aliens are told they can't bring their landmark-destroying spaceships with them, they wuss out, taking their space toys and leaving before the Velociraptors can even get to them, deciding the winner in a forfeit. However, in a misguided move, the trainers of the Raptors have been building them up for days, starving them and generally provoking them, so they hit the ring angry. When they see that they don't have a competitor, they disembowel Goldblum (they're still mad about that gymnastics tween from Lost World), take out a few audience members in the front row, and head for the hills looking for Joe Johnston's blood.
Winner (by forfeit): Monster *******Super-Heavyweight Round 1: Frankenstein's Monster vs. Gort from The Day the Earth Stood Still
Yawn. This fight looks great on paper but just doesn't deliver in action. The problem is trying to explain the concept of fighting to old bolt-head and Gort. The cheering crowd scares them into movement, but they keep trying to get out of the ring or just generally lumbering around. The organizers of the fight keep trying to push them towards each other until Gort eventually bumps Frankie the wrong way and makes the big monster angry. Frank pushes Gort. Gort pushes back. It's like watching Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots with less arm action. Eventually, Gort gets bored and grows ten times his normal size and steps on Frankenstein's monster. The crowd boos. Half the crowd dies. And Keanu buys the remake rights.
Winner: Alien *******Super-Heavyweight Round 2: King Kong vs. The Tripods from War of the Worlds
The few remaining crowd members after the Velocripator/Gort destruction of the last few rounds gets to see easily the best fight of the day, a battle that spills out into the streets and beyond. Punching, shooting, civic destruction - it's general monster vs. alien title-card chaos. Kong bounces a few Tripods off the street. The Tripods blast back at Kong with their deadly phasers and do some damage, but it's hard to keep a good ape down. But, when Kong spots a screaming, fleeing human with blond hair in a nightgown, he's distracted long enough for the Tripods to make their final, deadly move. Then the Tripods just stop. For no explainable reason. (Maybe someone sneezed.) The two remaining ticket buyers boo just before Kong steps on them in victory lap to the Empire State Building.
Winner (by forfeit): Monster *******What do you think? Did we miss some obvious choices? Can't believe we didn't pit Aileen Wuornos vs. Starman? Tribbles vs. Ghoulies? Mothra vs. E.T?Sign up for a MyVideoHound account today, post a comment, and let us know what YOU think.Bookmark/Search this post with:
Posted by CoolerKing in Features - March 26, 2009 at 2:03 PM
johnclick2325 at Jul 21 2010 03:02:56I think Aliens should win.http://www.flashpapers.com Seriously?Report Abuse
justsomedude at Mar 30 2009 19:54:04You are seriously going to put Alien over Godzilla? Have you ever watched a Godzilla Movie? As awesome as I think the Alien is, Godzilla can withstand being shelled by tanks and heavy artillery, hit by missles, struck by lightning, burned with napalm, shot by lasers, do you really think that an Alien could even put a dent in him? A hive of Aliens might have a shot, but one alone would last about a minute. Tops How do you forget John Carpenter's Thing??Report Abuse
Organs at Mar 30 2009 04:35:58Seriously, I'd pay good money to see Rob Bottin's freakish mutations go up against, well, ANYTHING! Maybe the zombies from any of George Romero's movies. Try that on for size! FunnyReport Abuse
Sharkbait at Mar 26 2009 19:38:46I would pay to see the Gremlins/Mars Attacks! fight.
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